I’m a planner at heart. Always have been. Few things give me such a sense of accomplishment as things going according to plan.
Unsurprisingly, I struggle with being upset or irritated when things go off the rails. 2020 and Covid-19 was a real wakeup call and reminder that I’m not in control as much as I think I am. Anyone else feel that way?
Another very tangible, and very personal, reminder of this fact is my lifelong singleness. Despite my best efforts, my plans for marriage and family didn’t work out in my 20…or my 30s…or my 40s. Even my ninja-like planning skills couldn’t conjure a way to the one thing I desire above all else.
So, what’s a planner with derailed plans to do? In my 20’s and 30’s I cried. A lot. I prayed. A lot. And I waited. A lot. Then I turned 40, and something shifted. The desire for marriage and children was still there, but it didn’t occupy quite as much real estate in my heart and mind as it used to. There’s still some crying, and praying, but the waiting looks different now. It’s as though the iron grip of hopelessness and sorrow over my situation has lifted, and I can see a path forward.
With the clarity of 45+ years of life experience, I now view singleness differently than I could 10 or 15 years ago. It’s not that I’m any more excited about being single now than I was in my 20s, but I have seen and lived through enough now to be able to appreciate what singleness has given me. It’s been a relief to honestly say to friends, “I’m glad I lived long enough to enjoy my life.”
Let’s be honest, your late 20s and 30s are great when you’re still hitting life’s milestones—things like marriage, children, buying a home, etc. However, when you’re aging and not hitting any milestones, well, that stinks. It can make it seem like you’re being left behind or have gotten off course.
But if I can encourage you with my words in any way, it would be to say, “Hang in there.” I hate pithy, trite comments, and I’m not going to give you any. I would, however, like to offer 5 ways to enjoy your singleness. These are things I have learned and practiced over the years. Let’s look at the first two today and I’ll share the rest tomorrow.
1. Engage with those around you.
Miss Havisham, a character in Dickens novel Great Expectations, was jilted at the altar and never recovered. She spends her days and years still dressed in her wedding gown, presiding over a forlorn and decaying mansion, isolating herself from nearly all human contact. Ugh. What a depressing prospect! Let’s leave Miss Havisham behind in Great Expectations where she belongs and instead look for ways to engage with those around us.
I’d encourage you to start by looking for ways to engage with your family, your church, and the community where you live. My sister has three kids, and even though we live far away from each other, I’ve prioritized visiting them on their birthdays and major holidays. I’ve worked hard to build a relationship with my nieces and nephews and it’s been the delight of my life.
Second, find ways to get involved in your local church. This is of utmost importance. My pastors are always reminding us that the Christian life isn’t meant to be lived alone. Certainly attend church regularly, but look for ways to really dig in and invest in others. The good news is that there are endless possibilities for what this can look like. It can be a formal ministry like childcare, or something organic like regularly praying for members of your church and writing notes to let people know that you’re praying for them.
One way to engage both with your church and the community around you is to engage in hospitality. Invite people into your life and home. It can be intimidating, but it’s well worth the effort. It doesn’t have to be fancy or elaborate. When I first starting out on my own I would often invite people over with this warning, “I’m planning on making lasagna, but if it doesn’t turn out, we’ll order pizza instead.” This way I could practice cooking for a crowd, but I always had an out if things went awry. I think I only had to serve pizza once, but I was always glad to have a backup plan.
2. Focus on Yourself
Have you ever been told that you have more free time because you’re single? Or heard something along the lines of, “You think you’re busy now, but just wait till you have kids.” I have, and it makes me mad. I would argue that single people often have less time than others because everything falls to us. There’s no built in tag-team for grocery shopping, car repairs, appointments, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and on and on. Add in full time work, church obligations, and service opportunities, and time is often in short supply.
To combat the pressures of single living, I’d like to encourage you to spend time regularly focusing on yourself. The only rule is that there is no rule. This will look different for everyone. Personally, I love getting manicures and pedicures, and I also love taking trips. Therefore, I regularly get mani/pedis and try to take a trip every year. It’s fun to break away from the busyness of life and to find ways to relax and recharge. Taking a walk with a friend, watching a favorite movie, and reading a library book are other things I enjoy that don’t cost any money. Spending time on yourself isn’t selfish. It allows you to recharge so that you’re able to serve others and complete the callings that God has given you.
See you tomorrow for the rest! As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts below.
