Yesterday we started looking at 5 Ways to Enjoy Your Singleness. We talked about engaging with those around you and focusing on yourself. Today let’s discuss three other options. 

3. Embrace truth and beauty

Unwanted singleness often brings with it a set of lies. “I’m not good enough.” “Something must be wrong with me.” “If only I were thinner/prettier/smarter etc. etc.” 

Only the Word of God can help us find our way out of these lies and into His truth. And if we’re going to embrace truth and beauty, we have to start with the words of life given by the Creator of truth and beauty.

I  love the words of the Psalmist in Ps 139: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” I also love Paul’s admonition in Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

It isn’t easy to train our minds and to fight the lies that threaten to discourage us, but it is worth it. 

4. Stop waiting

I read a quote recently that I can’t stop thinking about. “Perhaps a greater tragedy than a broken dream is a life forever defined by it.”  

I have hoped and prayed for a husband for many, many years. As of today, that dream has not been fulfilled. My childbearing years are almost entirely behind me, and I’ve never had the opportunity to birth a child. 

God’s good plan for me has not included the two things I desire most of all in this life. 

But I don’t want to be defined by my lack. It can be tempting to spend our single years waiting. While we wait for a spouse, if we’re not careful, we can end up putting our whole lives on hold. 

Can I gently encourage you to live your one beautiful life and not waste it by waiting? 

We’re not promised marriage and children, but we are called to be faithful with what God has given us today. 

For me, not waiting has looked like buying a home, and pursuing a career, and traveling all over the world. I don’t wait to host dinner parties or to find ways to “mother” the children in my life. 

Those things you want to do with your life? Go do them, dear sister. Don’t wait. Live the life God has given you this day. 

5. Learn to rejoice in “what is.”

In our social media saturated world, FOMO is a real fear. For those of you who don’t know, FOMO is “fear of missing out.” 

Generally, this feeling comes after we spend too much time scrolling through social media at carefully curated pictures of friends, family, celebrities, and influencers. 

Yet, FOMO is not a new fear. Theodore Roosevelt back at the turn of the 20^th century coined the phrase “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Long before Instagram, humans have lost their joy over what they don’t possess. 

Successfully navigating unwanted singleness forces us to learn to rejoice in what we do have, and not constantly focus on what we don’t have. 

One very practical way that I’ve learned to rejoice in what I have is to make lists of things I’m thankful for. A friend started doing this and I borrowed the idea from her. Stopping to take note of what I’m thankful for retrains my heart to focus on what is in front of me. 

Today, I got a mani/pedi and Starbucks. It was a great pick me up after a stressful afternoon. Next week, I’m going to spend time with my friend’s children. We’ll go out for a ‘crazy fun adventure’ otherwise known as a CFA, and we’ll watch fun movies with popcorn, and who knows, we may even have a sleepover at my place! 

I’m still as single as an $1 dollar bill but I’m rejoicing in what I do have. 

As a side note, I’d like to challenge you to expand this practice not only to the “things” God has given you, but to God Himself. When was the last time you rejoiced in your salvation? When was the last time you remembered the gift of the Holy Spirit and the comfort He brings?  

Living with unwanted singleness is really hard, and we must learn to focus on truth if we’re going to persevere. I  hope that you’ll learn to have fun with an unexpected life. 

Yes, I just said that being single can be fun—even when you do it for far longer that you expected! 

I hope these 5 steps will help you enjoy your singleness. I’d love to hear your ideas. Feel free to comment below or send me an email.

I’m a planner at heart. Always have been. Few things give me such a sense of accomplishment as things going according to plan. 

Unsurprisingly, I struggle with being upset or irritated when things go off the rails. 2020 and Covid-19 was a real wakeup call and reminder that I’m not in control as much as I think I am. Anyone else feel that way? 

Another very tangible, and very personal, reminder of this fact is my lifelong singleness. Despite my best efforts, my plans for marriage and family didn’t work out in my 20…or my 30s…or my 40s.  Even my ninja-like planning skills couldn’t conjure a way to the one thing I desire above all else. 

So, what’s a planner with derailed plans to do? In my 20’s and 30’s I cried. A lot. I prayed. A lot. And I waited. A lot. Then I turned 40, and something shifted. The desire for marriage and children was still there, but it didn’t occupy quite as much real estate in my heart and mind as it used to. There’s still some crying, and praying, but the waiting looks different now. It’s as though the iron grip of hopelessness and sorrow over my situation has lifted, and I can see a path forward. 

With the clarity of 45+ years of life experience, I now view singleness differently than I could 10 or 15 years ago. It’s not that I’m any more excited about being single now than I was in my 20s, but I have seen and lived through enough now to be able to appreciate what singleness has given me. It’s been a relief to honestly say to friends, “I’m glad I lived long enough to enjoy my life.” 

Let’s be honest, your late 20s and 30s are great when you’re still hitting life’s milestones—things like marriage, children, buying a home, etc. However, when you’re aging and not hitting any milestones, well, that stinks. It can make it seem like you’re being left behind or have gotten off course.  

But if I can encourage you with my words in any way, it would be to say, “Hang in there.” I hate pithy, trite comments, and I’m not going to give you any. I would, however, like to offer 5 ways to enjoy your singleness. These are things I have learned and practiced over the years. Let’s look at the first two today and I’ll share the rest tomorrow. 

1.   Engage with those around you. 

Miss Havisham, a character in Dickens novel Great Expectations, was jilted at the altar and never recovered. She spends her days and years still dressed in her wedding gown, presiding over a forlorn and decaying mansion, isolating herself from nearly all human contact. Ugh. What a depressing prospect! Let’s leave Miss Havisham behind in Great Expectations where she belongs and instead look for ways to engage with those around us. 

I’d encourage you to start by looking for ways to engage with your family, your church, and the community where you live. My sister has three kids, and even though we live far away from each other, I’ve prioritized visiting them on their birthdays and major holidays. I’ve worked hard to build a relationship with my nieces and nephews and it’s been the delight of my life.

Second, find ways to get involved in your local church. This is of utmost importance. My pastors are always reminding us that the Christian life isn’t meant to be lived alone.  Certainly attend church regularly, but look for ways to really dig in and invest in others. The good news is that there are endless possibilities for what this can look like. It can be a formal ministry like childcare, or something organic like regularly praying for members of your church and writing notes to let people know that you’re praying for them. 

One way to engage both with your church and the community around you is to engage in hospitality. Invite people into your life and home. It can be intimidating, but it’s well worth the effort. It doesn’t have to be fancy or elaborate. When I first starting out on my own I would often invite people over with this warning, “I’m planning on making lasagna, but if it doesn’t turn out, we’ll order pizza instead.” This way I could practice cooking for a crowd, but I always had an out if things went awry. I think I only had to serve pizza once, but I was always glad to have a backup plan. 

2.   Focus on Yourself

Have you ever been told that you have more free time because you’re single? Or heard something along the lines of, “You think you’re busy now, but just wait till you have kids.” I have, and it makes me mad. I would argue that single people often have less time than others because everything falls to us. There’s no built in tag-team for grocery shopping, car repairs, appointments, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and on and on. Add in full time work, church obligations, and service opportunities, and time is often in short supply. 

To combat the pressures of single living, I’d like to encourage you to spend time regularly focusing on yourself. The only rule is that there is no rule. This will look different for everyone. Personally, I love getting manicures and pedicures, and I also love taking trips. Therefore, I regularly get mani/pedis and try to take a trip every year. It’s fun to break away from the busyness of life and to find ways to relax and recharge. Taking a walk with a friend, watching a favorite movie, and reading a library book are other things I enjoy that don’t cost any money. Spending time on yourself isn’t selfish. It allows you to recharge so that you’re able to serve others and complete the callings that God has given you. 

See you tomorrow for the rest! As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts below.